Don't let her go again
by romansilence
Summary: Will Olivia once again lose the love of her life because Alex wants to join the United Nation anti-rape taskforce?


Disclaimer: The characters and background stories of "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" do not belong to me but to Dick Wolf and NBC. I just take them out to play, honestly. No copyright infringement is intended. No profit will be made.

Author's Note: Alternate Universe – mostly follows the show canon, Alex returns in the season 10 Episode "Lead". She and Olivia get back together, as they had been before Alex' time in the witness protection program. Missing scenes to the episode "Witness" in season 11; and just for the record in my world Sonja Paxton has not yet made an appearance. I'm keeping her on a small flame for the moment.

Summary: Will Olivia once again lose the love of her life because Alex wants to join the 'United Nations anti-rape taskforce?

**Don't Let Her Go**

Or

An alternate Take to "Witness" (season 11)

by

romansilence

„Are you sure that this is what you want, Lex?" Olivia asked.

"Yes, Liv, I'm sure. I want this. I need this. I have to do more," Alex answered with her eyes locked firmly on the surface of the couch table in their apartment. She knew her decision was hurting her partner, but other than that becoming part of this taskforce just felt right.

"More?"

"Yes, more. Ever since my return from witness protection I can't shake the feeling that I don't do enough with my life. Returning to the one-six was a step in the right direction, but from the first moment I heard you saying my name out on that street, I knew that I wanted you more than the cases and the guys. I was such a fool. And if joining the taskforce means losing you I will not do it. You are more important to me."

Olivia pulled Alex in a tight embrace. "If anything we both were fools, my Lex. I love you. If I had not been such a chicken shit I would not have listened when you told me to stay away and that you didn't want anything to do with your former life ever again. I should not have run off in a huff and played possum. I should have understood that being Alex Cabot again was not as easy as changing one's clothes. And if you really want to join the taskforce I promise I will do my best to find a way to make it work for us. I won't give up on the best thing in my life, not again."

"The taskforce is based out of the UN building here in New York. I would still spend at least half of my time here, after the four weeks of training in Washington that is. I don't want to give up on us either. I wasted enough time as it is, but Liv this just feels right – and it won't be forever. Sondra said that the turnout rate is between six and twelve months. I can even come back to the DA's office when it's over."

"Do it, baby. It's important to you. We both know that returning to the one-six was a step back for you. Jack was about to name you EADA and you gave that up when you agreed to come back to us. Not that I regret that, it brought us back together. And if you 're gone for a while they'll finally know how much they need you," Olivia said.

"I would not go that far, Liv, but how did you know about the EADA position. I never mentioned it."

"I'm a detective, Alexandra, I have my sources. So, when does that training in Washington start? Will you have time for weekend visitors?"

Instead of an answer Alex kissed Olivia and serious talking was postponed for the rest of the night.

-x-x-x-

The next day at work Olivia used their current lack of leads in their open cases to research the bowels of the internet for information on the taskforce. And what she found made her spend her lunch break in the gym, pummelling a sandbag. That night Alex woke her from a nightmare and the night after that and the night after that.

Every night the dream started with Alex getting shot in front of O'Malley's and from there it got worse. Sometimes Alex died right there on the pavement. Sometimes a faceless assailant gunned her down – and every time Olivia was close by but could not help her, could not safe her. It started to weight her down and it also weighted on their relationship until Alex got her to talk about the nightmares by confronting her directly.

Well, she got her to yell. Olivia wanted to dodge the subject, but Alex kept digging and Olivia lost her temper.

"You want to know about the content of ms dreams!? They're about you. You frigging get yourself killed every night; and every night I see you die and there is nothing I can do. You die."

Alex pulled Olivia in her embrace and the detective, her defences already breached by the dream, started to cry. She tried to hold the tears back, tried to be strong for Alex, to allow her to follow her heart despite her irrational fear of losing her again, but the terror was too strong. So, when the torrent of tears had finally subsided, Alex said,

"It'll be alright, my Liv. I understand. The thought of you getting hurt on the job scares me every day. I'll go and talk to Sondra and tell her to give me a desk job in New York. That way I will not have to go out in the field, and I still would be able to help."

Olivia's heart made a somersault of joy and relief at the prospect and it showed on her face, but deep down she knew that a pure desk job was not what her beloved needed to feel whole again.

"No, Alex, .my love, don't do that. You need to be in a courtroom. You need to see and feel the victims and talk with them, and they need you. They need your fire and passion, not your administrative skills.

"I promise I'll speak to George if the nightmares don't stop soon, but please don't give this dream up, just because of my fears, Listen to your heart."

"My heart only wants you, Liv. I was so empty and afraid of everything before we reconnected. I was not the woman with whom you fell in love. I was a real mess. It's my love for you that allows me to even try to do this, that gives me the strength to want it. If I have learned one thing; it's that I need you more than I need to safe the world.

"You are my strength, Liv. I can't lose you, not now, not ever."

"You will not lose me, my Lex, I promise. Do what you need to do. You know where to find me when you have the time. We'll be alright. We'll just have to put a bit more loving and living in the time we have together," Olivia said.

"I already hurt you when I kept my distance after my return from Witsec, I never want to hurt you again, Liv, and this taskforce thing hurts you."

"Alex, I'm proud of you that you're becoming part of something that fights for what is right. I'm proud that you're joining the taskforce. It's the challenge you need and the right thing to do. Give me a bit more time and the nightmares will go away."

Olivia saw that Alex was not convinced by her argument, one could not just will away nightmares, but she didn't say anything, switched off the light and fell asleep with Olivia in her arms.

-x-x-x-

The next day Alex made a trip to the UN before having to appear in court and Olivia asked Captain Cragen for a prolonged lunch break.

Olivia took a cab to the UN building that housed the taskforce. The building security was negligible at best. Two rent-a-cops were standing outside, a couple of security cameras inside had been mounted on the walls in the entrance hall. No one asked for an ID or checked her for a gun. She went directly to the office of the head of the taskforce and found the main office as well as the ante room with the secretary's desk empty, probably gone out to lunch, just as she had hoped it would be.

Olivia nudged the desktop computer to life with the mouse. It was fully connected to the building's intranet, including the security system.

She studied its lay-out and quickly deleted every trace of her entering the building from the computer's mainframe. She gave a silent thanks to all the more or less legal tricks she had learned during her admittedly short stint at cyber crimes. She had formed a fast friendship with Morales who still kept her up-to-date on procedures and threats and new gadgets.

Olivia spent about twenty minutes snooping around and was not in the least deterred by the rather simple password protection. When she heard the outer door to the anteroom open she hid behind a file cabinet in the corner of the office.

She heard two women talking. One said to the other that she did not want to be disturbed for the next hour because she had to go through some personnel files. A woman of about Olivia's age with light brown hair but only about five' four'' tall took the seat she had just vacated and focused on a file she had just pulled from the stack to her right.

Olivia slid from behind the cabinet, closed the door and took a seat in one of the visitor's chairs. It took almost five minutes for the woman to become aware that she was not alone in the room. Her hand began to wander over to the telephone, but Olivia stopped her

"Please don't call security. I mean you no harm."

"Then what do you want? How did you get in here? Who are you?"

"To answer your questions in order. A job with your taskforce. I simply walked through the door. My name is Olivia Benson."

"A job? And sneaking up on me and scaring the Be-Jesus out of me is your idea of starting a job interview? Not very auspicious if you ask me."

"I admit that it's a bit unusual. But it was the easiest way to avoid bureaucratic obstacles and show you that I have a few things to offer to the taskforce though I'm not a lawyer. What I'm asking for is not a standard assignment.

"By the way, the security system in the building could be breeched and manipulated by any ten-year-old with half a brain.

"You should check the off-shore bank account of the man you sent to Namibia last month. Don't forget to congratulate your parents to their fifty-second wedding anniversary. Oh, and I found a website that offers better rates for the smart phone for your nephew you have been looking at."

The woman's eyes narrowed. "How the hell did you find out all of this, and we only suspect that our man in Namibia is taking bribes."

"Oh, he does. He was kind enough to store his bank statements on his I-phone, and since the taskforce pays for the phone you don't even need a warrant to use the data. I sent a copy of the information to your hard drive. He might not be the only bad apple I only had twenty minutes to look through your hard drive."

"Who are you, one of those Computer people? The countries where we are most needed are usually not big on modern technology."

"Sorry to disappoint you. Computer have become a hobby in recent years. I'm a cop, a detective with the NYPD, Manhattan, Special Victims Unit. Here's my resume."

Olivia pulled a folder from behind her back and handed it over. The woman opened it and began to read. From time to time she looked towards the door as if waiting for something to happen or someone to come in.

"If you're waiting for security to come check on you; all they see are two empty offices, I redirected the video feed to your desktop. It's still recording our conversation. So that you have proof in case you want to press charges for breaking and entering. You'll find everything in a folder with my name and today's date."

"You're for real, right?"

"Do you want to see my badge?"

The woman shock her head and turned her attention back to the file in front of her. After a few minutes she asked, "You passed the Sergeant examen two years ago, why do you not work as a sergeant?

"I had a few offers but I was not ready to leave SVU and spend the bulk of my time behind a desk."

"And now you are ready?"

"Now, I have personal reasons to want something else."

"These personal reasons? Do they have anything to do with the surprise visit I had this morning from Alex Cabot and her sudden request for a New York based desk job instead of the field commission she initially wanted?"

"It has everything to do with Alex Cabot's request. I can't let her do this. Ever since she made the decision to join the taskforce, I suffer from nightmares. I dream of losing her again. Asking for a desk job is her way of trying to spare me the agony of having to let her go into danger all by herself, I lost her once and now that I have found her again I could not stand it seeing her in danger and standing idly by without trying to protect her.

"Alex' passion is for justice not only for the law. A desk job does not allow her to live that. I did some research and I know that what she wants to do can often be dangerous. That's why you often have your lawyers accompanied by body guards though you call them close protection officers; it's also the reason why you sometimes give them assistants to help with the legwork.

"With me you could have both rolled in one. I have a very personal interest in keeping Alexandra Cabot safe. I'm a decent investigator; I usually can build an easy rapport with victims and witnesses. I don't want to sound as if I'm bragging, but I'm an above average shot. I know Aikido and pressure point defence. I can't let Alex go into danger alone. I failed her once when she had to hide in witness protection for years and I will do everything I can to not let that happen ever again. If you give me the job for which I'm asking I can keep protecting her."

"So, the only reason for you to rush headlong into danger is your believe that Miss Cabot would be safer with you at her side. Don't you trust her?"

"I trust Alex with my life and my heart, I trust Alex in everything; it's the rest of the world that I don't trust. You wouldn't either if you were in my shoes."

"I thought that I had lost her when she had to go into hiding. Witness protection and the time after changed her. Alex thinks that after her return she wasted her time with mundane things instead of helping people. She is wrong there. Alex completely reorganized the Cabot Charities that had fallen into disarray during her time in witness protection and after her Mother's death. That alone took almost two years of constant effort until they were able to run without her continuous input.

Those charities alone help a lot of people. She is convinced that as a member of your taskforce she can do more good than just by prosecuting the perps in this city. I can't take that from her. She needs it. Please help me to stay at her side. All my instincts scream at me: Don't let her go again; this time it could be for good. You can help me to listen to my instincts and you can give me the chance to fight against another set of windmills."

"So, this is not solely about Alex?"

"I won't lie. It's mostly about Alex, but ever since she told me about the taskforce and wanting to join it, it kept niggling at me. I've been a detective at the SVU for the eleven and a half years. We see some of the worst things one human being can do to another. But after I heard what happened to Nardalee and thousands of other women, I feel like Alex, I want to do more. Going with Alex can achieve that."

"You would have to go through some specialized training, we usually use K-FOR troops if protection is needed, but our security specialist has been bugging me for some time to find some people who are willing to work more closely with our people. Who know them better than the random soldier."

"Brian will want to assess your abilities himself. Could we meet tomorrow afternoon around six or six thirty? There's a gym in the basement of this building and a small shooting range."

"I doubt that I'll be able to make it at six. I'm supposed to be on duty 'til then but given that I'll not be held up by a new case I'll be here at six-thirty. Alex and I have dinner plans with friends at nine, we have a table at Alfredo's. Is that enough time for Brian to substantiate my claims?"

"It should be more than enough."

-x-x-x-

A couple of days later Olivia knocked at Captain Cragen's office door.

"Olivia, come in what can I do for you?"

"I wanted you to be the first to know, Captain,"

Olivia handed him a slim folder. He opened it and found a single sheet of paper.

"Your resignation letter? What's wrong? Giving up like this is not your style, Olivia. What is going on?"

There was real concern and surprise in Captin Cragen's voice and in his eyes, so Olivia told him the whole story about the taskforce and her new job as Alex Cabot's body guard and research assistant.

"Initially, I just wanted to ask for a leave of absence. So, I went to One, Police Plaza yesterday. They refused. According to them the training I received from the NYPD was to serve the people of this city, not random strangers somewhere else in the world. The resignation is the only option I have left, Don."

"Are you sure you want to do that, Olivia? Rushing off to parts unknown just to satisfy the humanitarian urges of Alex Cabot?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I have to be with her. I can't stand the thought of Alex possibly having to face untold dangers at the other end of the world with only a stranger at her side. I don't know if I'll really be able to shield her from harm, after all I failed her the last time and I'm not Wonder Woman. But I met with the Chief of Security of the taskforce the day before yesterday, a former Commander with the Navy Seals named Brian Donague. He thinks that with a few weeks of specialized training I could learn everything I'll need to change my perception and observation skills from cop to Close Protection Officer."

"And just for the record, this is not only because of Alex. Talking to her I started to feel the same way. I know that getting even one of the men abusing women inAfrica indicted would be nothing short of a miracle. The probability that they will be taken out by a rival group is much higher.

Don studied the determined expression on Olivia's face and the lively spark in her eyes that only had come back with Alex' return to the one-six a few months ago. That sparkle that reflected her joy in life and that to ever see again on her he and the boys had already almost despaired of. It would be hard to find someone who would be able to do her job even half as good as she did, but he also felt that she would not be dissuaded from her plans.

"I can see that you're serious, Olivia, but hold on to that resignation letter for a few days and let me pull a few strings concerning your leave of absence. The Chief of Ds still owes me and the squad."

"Please, Captain, don't use up your favours for me."

"For whom else, if not for family, Olivia? Alex and you are family."

"Does Elliot know?" Captain Cragen asked.

"No; not yet, I'll tell him tomorrow."

"And Alex, did you at least tell her?"

"She knows that some thing is up, but, no I didn't tell her yet. I want to wait until the trial is over and that scumbag is safely behind bars, but Alex knows me, she senses that something is up.

"Thank you for your support, Don."

As I said, that'd what family does, have each other's back.

-x-x-x-

The day after the trial Olivia paid Nardalee a visit to hand over the U-visa Alex had been able to procure for her.

"You are so kind", Nardalee said. The way she sad it, however, left no doubt that there was a 'but' coming.

"Before this trial I wanted nothing more than stay here but now I realize I need to go back to my country to do what I can to help the women there. They must stop suffering in silence if things are to ever change."

Despite the long conversations Olivia had had with Alex since this case had started, despite the fact that she had seen how strong Nardalee was, Olivia was still stunned at those words.

"But Nardalee, you realize that you would be risking your life? Does Alex know about your plans?"

"I told her. She understands. I was very touched by the sacrifice she is making."

"The taskforce?" Nardalee nodded. "Alex does not see that as a sacrifice. She sees it as a chance to do more good than she can do here, and she will not be alone."

Nardalee's eyes widened in surprise. "She did not mention that."

"She didn't know. I only told her yesterday evening, after I heard that the Police Commissioner had approved my leave of absence to allow me to come back to the Police Department when we are done with the Taskforce."

-x-x-x-

Olivia thought back to the night before. Alex had not been as thrilled about Olivia's plans as she had hoped, though she also had given in more quickly than Olivia gad feared.

"You'll do what? Are you out of your mind, Liv? I won't allow you to put yourself in danger."

Alex had jumped up from the couch, jostling the couch table holding their after dinner wine glasses and glared at an infuriatingly calm Olivia still sitting on the couch.

"Tell me, Alex, when was the last time I had a nightmare?"

"What has that to do with anything?" Alex asked defensively though her quick mind knew exactly what Olivia wanted her to understand.

"Just answer the question, please."

"Two days after we talked about them."

"That's when Sondra sent me my new employment contract. I'll be a cross between a close protection Officer and an assistant. In a way I'll still be your investigating detective."

"It's too dangerous, Liv. I can't let you do that."

"I know about the danger, my Lex, but I will not be unprepared - while you learn in Washington about international law, I'll learn how to protect you. I can't just let you go there alone. I would go crazy with worry.

It would be like you being in the WPP all over again, just worse. I would know where to find you, more or less, but I would also know that instead of being tucked away somewhere safe, you would have to deal with people so dangerous to let Velez appear like a choirboy in comparison. I can't lose you, not again."

When Alex didn't say anything Olivia added, "If our roles were reversed? If I were the lawyer and you the cop? Tell me you would not want to do the same?"

"You don't fight fair, Liv." Alex said with a sigh. She knew that Olivia's rhetoric had also been more than that.

Alex saw the love in Olivia's eyes, "You know that you are completely out of your mind, my love, right? Utterly and irrevocably nuts."

"It takes one to know one, Alexandra, but On the contrary, my Lex, I never was as sane and rational as at the moment. I need you to be as safe as you possibly can be, and if that means to follow you to the furthest reaches of the known world, then that's what I will do. Letting you go alone would slowly destroy me, my love. I need to do this. I need to be with you. Some of those women might be a atrong as Nardalee turned out to be, and our mere presence could offer them alternatives and maybe give them the courage to search a way out."

Alex silenced Olivia with a passionate kiss which led to even more pleasurable activities which lasted long into the night.

-x-x-x-

And two weeks later they attended the farewell party the boys from the one-six and Alex' friends from the DA's office had organized. Abbie Carmichael had flown in from Washington and Judge Donnelly had given them access to one of the courtrooms and helped cater the whole affair.

THE E N D


End file.
